Groovin' on...

Now that we have finally made some progress on our Deployment Countdown and the homecoming date "seems" to be as certain as Navy-certain gets, I think the kids and I have finally gotten into the deployment groove.  We all still miss Paul every day, but maybe the missing him is starting to be the norm.  We know that each night we go to bed is one less night of blowing kisses to him in the air, and every morning we wake up is one morning closer to the morning we get to put on our homecoming outfits and go pick him up at the squadron.  So we are groovin'; I feel like I am growing through this experience.  Groovin' and growing is good for this Momma's soul.

Perhaps the groove is feeling pretty good since we just had two very special visitors in the last month.  Paul's mom was out here for a week and when I say "Paul's mom" I mean "The Laundry Queen."  No kidding.  First time since Paul left in December that ALL of our clothes were clean.  Dishes were cleaned and unloaded from the dishwasher BEFORE a whole other load of dirty dishes piled up on the counter.  I kind of forgot those things were possible.  In fact, Paul's mom did something even more impossible... or even more important... she gave me room to breathe, to play with the kids, and brought my enthusiasm for motherhood way way WAY up.  Enthusiasm is good for this Momma's soul.

Our other special visitor was my childhood neighbor.  We've known eachother since I was 6 1/2.  We played Barbies, kick-the-can, and volleyball together.  We lived nextdoor to each other and, for one summer, in the same apartment together.  Her visit was a bunch of fun and totally, completely comfortable.  Stacy helped the kids and I plant one of our neighborhood's garden boxes.  We planted a bunch of herbs, strawberries (per Matthew's request), and wild flowers.  We also planted a few flower boxes for our backyard - "red flowers" (per Grace's request).  We watched a terrible movie and laughed all the way through it.  We went to the gym two mornings in a row and laughed all the way through both of those mornings.  Laughter is definitely good for this Momma's soul.

To top off all my soul nourishment, I got to spend this afternoon with a dear friend, her husband, and their tiny, perfect, completely adorable 2-day-old baby boy.  Oh sweet Heaven, is he cute!  Sweet baby smell, tiny little teeney diaper butt, cute little baby yawns, and those wonderous eyes peaking out and blinking and blinking are good for this Momma(who will not be having another tiny miracle of her own)'s soul.

So here we are on a Saturday night, watching a movie, and having a "camp out" in the family room.  The kids and I are groovin' and I am feeling like my soul is ready for the next 4 months... or at least 4 weeks, when my mom visits!

It Is What It Is... and It Won't Be What It Was Supposed To Be

I really really don't like the saying "It is what it is." My dad says it a lot.  My husband says it a lot.  It seems to be the man's verbal version of a shoulder shrug.  I would prefer if we could discuss "it." What is "it"? How does "it" make you feel? Why is "it" happening? What can we do to change "it"? If "it" isn't going to go away, how can we best deal with "it?"  See..... there's soooooo much to talk about!  It is what it is.... and then some, thank you very much.

BUT.... alas, it is what it is.  Paul's 4 1/2 month deployment has been extended (again) to 8 months. WHAT?! Remember, how I wrote before he left that this deployment was a "short" one?  Yeah, not really anymore.  "It" is shorter than some... but now kind of longer than most. Lame.

So here I am, 9 days after finding out that we have not 2 months left, but 6 months.  (It's weird to be 2 1/2 months into a 4 month deployment and know that you have 6 months left... "it" is odd math.)  Nevertheless, I'm sitting here telling myself it is what it is.  I've been sad, very very sad; I've been mad; I've been lonely and frustrated and defeated.  Now it is time to accept it, embrace it, and move on.

In order to accept "it" I've had very little work to do. When the Navy has your husband out in the middle of an ocean on a great big gray boat and then tells you they aren't letting him come home until they are good and ready, there's not much for a girl to do.  You can't really say "No!  I do not accept this information." So, I accepted it. Begrudgingly. It is what it is and it won't be what it was supposed to be.

Next came the task of embracing "it."  This one has taken about a week or so.  I'm not sure I've exactly embraced it fully, but I'm getting there.  I have a pretty solid faith in God and His plan for me and my family.  I know that God knows what is going on and I know He knows how I feel about it.  I know that there are many people at our church praying for our family during this deployment and I know those prayers are making a difference.  I can feel them making a difference!  A lot of people say that everything happens for a reason, but I'm not sure how I feel about that in this situation.  I can see this situation for what "it" is... other aircraft carriers are needing maintenance, other countries are acting goofy, my husband is in the military.  So I'm not sure if God has a bigger, deeper reason for this, but I do know that "it" will strengthen my relationship with Him because I absolutely cannot get through the tough days and nights without a good amount of prayers.  This one is so much bigger than me.  It is what it is and it won't be what it was supposed to be.

Lastly, the time has come to move on.  I have taken down our countdown calendar.  I have (sort of) stopped looking for my homecoming outfit.  Sitting around and thinking about what the countdown should be is not helpful and won't make my real countdown go any faster, so I had to stop doing that.  I'm moving on.  I bought myself tickets to see Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw (WOOOOHOOOO)... which I thought would be a fun concert to see with Paul, but now know it will be a fun concert to see with friends.  I am planning a weekend escape to Vegas with some of my Navy friends... we will be coming from California, Washington, Maryland, and Virginia.  You know you're a Navy wife when.  I broke the news to the kids that Daddy won't be home until after the summer is over.   It is what it is and it won't be what it was supposed to be.

Accepting "it" required me to mentally be okay with the information; embracing "it" required me to find some emotional and spiritual peace with the information; and moving on is still requiring me to be active and physically make the choice to not sit around and mope or worry or feel defeated.

I'm pretty sure my husband and my dad can just say "it is what it is," and they don't need to blog about all of it, but what can I say..... it is what it is.

Our previous countdown calendar... after the news of the first extention.  It's now in the trash (except for the pictures).

An Hour to Spare?!

Somehow.  I don't know how. I probably couldn't do it again if I tried.  I have an HOUR to spare before heading to church this morning!!!   Perhaps pigs are flying outside, I don't know.

So I wanted to take a few minutes and catch up on the blog a bit.  "Blog a bit."  I like that for some reason.

The last two weeks have not been the best.  The kids and I were visited by the stomach bug over a six day period.  There's nothing like being woken in the night to crying and walking into the kid's room to be hit with "that smell."  The smell of throw-ups.  Y.U.C.K.  And then comes the joyful task of cleaning up the child, cleaning up the sheets... what do you do with those dirty dirty sheets?  we don't have a utility sink that is handy for rinsing such business in this house.  Yuck.... then re-making the beds, getting a bucket for the next throw-ups, getting the child tucked back into bed, and finally getting yourself tucked back into bed.  Perhaps the best part of the whole night is getting back into bed (alone... since the hubby is somewhere on the other side of the world) and trying to get that smell out of your nose and THEN wondering if your stomach is swirling because you just cleaned up someone else's throw-ups or because you, yourself, are going to be having throw-ups.  Joy.   Luckily my mom was also visiting, luckili-er (I'm sure that's a word) she managed to leave WITHOUT suffering from the bug.  So the day that I was suffering, she had the kids downstairs or out of the house and I was able to rest.

Then last week, just after we were fully recovered and my mom was safely back in the Midwest, we all got a stuffy-nosed, sore-throated cold.  The kids are fully recovered after missing a few days of school... and a friend's birthday party (boo.).. and I am finally on the mend.  I have a red nose that would make Rudolph envious from all of my nose-blowing.  Speaking of nose-blowing... has anyone used the Kleenex Cool Touch tissues??  I picked them up by accident at the store and am totally amazed by these things.  When you pull them out of the box, they are COOL... to the touch.  I don't know how they make them cold, but they are!  So strange.  I do wish they had a little more soothiness when you use them, but the coolness is pretty nice.

So here we are... finally turning the corner towards health, I hope.  And we are also facing... drum roll please.... a TWO MONTH EXTENSION to the deployment.  Boo. With a capital "B."  Absolutely Boo.  The ironic part was that we found out about our 8-ish week extension when we had just completed 7 weeks.  So... the past 7 weeks have gotten us absolutely NO closer to our homecoming date.  I spent one day being mad and one day being very sad.  But now it has sunk in, my expectations for the next few months have adjusted... remember my Timeless Wonder post... this is the epitome of a Timeless Wonder.  I will blog more about my feelings of the extension another day. Stay tuned, I'm sure you're on the edge of your seats!

Despite the sicks, colds, and extension, things are still going pretty well.  I give a huge amount of credit to my church and the small group that I am part of.  We go to an awesome non-denominational Christian Church called Catalyst in Ventura.  They are the most down-to-earth group of people I have ever attended church with.  They are kind, welcoming, and caring... without being cheesy.  My small group is bringing me dinner once a week, they pray for me and the kids, they pray for Paul without me having to ask for it. Say what you want... those prayers really really work.  Every week when I go to church people ask how Paul is doing, other moms offer to help with the kids if I need it, I'm invited to play dates.   The church is sending Paul some thank-you notes, two or three months of weekly messages on a flash drive, the info for a financial study we are doing with our small group, and a phone card so he can call home. How cool is that?!  It's so nice to have other people acknowledge that Paul is away... and it's not just me thinking of him every day, others are too.  Today... in thirty minutes now... I get to say "Thank you" to our church by sharing a little bit of our deployment story and I'm grateful to have the chance to let them know I appreciate all they do!

Well, it's been thirty minutes with a few interruptions from the kiddos, so it's time to finish getting ready and pack up a diaper bag... and try to add a photo to this post.  It's been nice chatting with you and catching you up on the latest.  Enjoy your Sunday!

Here's a photographic representation of life today:

Kleenex Cool Touch, Clorox Wipes, Hand Sanitizer,
Theraflu (I swear by their nighttime one in particular),
Keurig Folgers French Vanilla coffee, and my Bible

The Timeless Wonder: Deployment

So it's been a month since the last time I found time to write.  A month? A month!  How is that even possible?!  Oh, wait, I know.... I'm living with the Timeless Wonder.  Essentially, during deployment,  "time" means NOTHING.

On one hand, it seems like time is going so s.l.o.w.l.y.  It hasn't even been 7 weeks since we started this big, bad adventure of deployment.  I feel like I haven't seen my husband in-person for AGES.  I haven't had a dinner with him in EONS. I haven't snuggled up and watched a movie with him in SUCH A LONG TIME.

How is it possible we've only been doing this for 7 weeks and we have sooooooo many more weeks left?!

Time must be slowing down. I mean, really, it must be. Like, the Earth is rotating at a slower pace making every day stretch on forever.  Is this possible?  I've checked the news blogs and all, but no one else is commenting on longer days, weeks, or months... so I guess it must be the Timeless Wonder.

Then on the other hand, there NEVER seems to be enough time in the day to get everything done.

Let's do a little daily run-through, shall we:
A Day in the Life of Momma B with the Three
wake up
give "get dressed" instructions to the bigger kids
get self dressed/brush teeth/brush hair
get littlest up/diapered/dressed
downstairs
make coffee (am considering moving the Keurig into my bedroom...is that weird?)
sip coffee
make kid breakfast x 3
give "set table" instructions
repeat "set table" instructions
sip coffee
check FB and email hoping for message from the hubby
make self breakfast
nibble breakfast while refilling kid breakfast/juice x 3
give "find shoes and socks" instructions
get littlest shoes and socks on
dump breakfast plates into sink if dishwasher is clean (probably is, see end of day cleaning)
grab items needed for school/gym towel/water bottle
grab diaper bag
help find random missing shoe
grab cell phone 
check email one more time to see if husband happened to send an email since last time it was checked
herd three to the van
buckle up
go to school/drop off at school
go to gym/drop off at child care/work out
pick up kid(s) from child care/back to van
one quick errand
pick up kid(s) from school
head back home
give "put coats and shoes away" instructions
repeat instructions
make lunch
help find missing toy of some sort
littlest up for nap
insist on quiet time for two biggers
try to clean up kitchen
sweep mound of crumbs from littlest's breakfast which is now fairly cemented to the floor
assess toy mess situation/consider picking up or holding biggers accountable
check email again (just in case)
think about blogging
decide to take care of household business (making dr. appts./paying bills/etc.)
check email again (might as well since I'm on the computer)
biggers are done with quiet time... no blogging today
throw laundry in wash
oops, realized washer still had clothes in it... re-wash those to get musty smell out
spend some time with two biggers playing/reading
get littlest up
snack time
head to afternoon activity or playground
two hours (approx.) of playtime at activity or playground
check snail mail
home for dinner
make dinner
give "set table" instructions
try to pry littlest off my leg while finishing dinner... seems to be his favorite perch at 6pm
sit down to dinner
get up for re-fills several times
clean up kitchen while supervising toy clean up
upstairs for bath
1-2-3 into the tub
1-2-3 shampooed
1-2-3 rinsed
1-2-3 dried off
clothes in the hamper/dirty diaper in the trash
supervise "tidying up time" in biggers' bedrooms
stories and song for littlest - good night
stories and song for middlest - good night
stories and song for eldest - good night
downstairs to finish cleaning up from dinner
run dishwasher... wish that it would magically empty itself before the morning
check email
email back husband
sit down
take a breath and watch a show or read a book
oh crap. there are wet clothes in the washing machine!

And THAT, my friends, is how time goes by faster than I realize and all of a sudden I find myself saying: "It's been a MONTH since I blogged last?!"  "It's been a MONTH since cleaned my bathrooms?" (Seriously, when am I supposed to do that?!) "It's been a MONTH since I cleaned out my fridge?!" (At least we're eating the food in there, so it's sort of getting cleaned out every day... right? Right?!)

Time goes too slowly while it's racing past me.  The stupid Timeless Wonder.  Makes a girl go crazy.

But no matter how the days go.... slow or fast... whether laundry gets done or not... we're always thinking of Paul and...

The Story of Us: Girl Meets Boy

Today, my husband and I are celebrating 10 years of marriage.  We are many many miles apart, but our hearts are definitely linked.  In honor of our celebration, I will tell you "our" story.  Sit back, relax, grab your reading glasses if necessary... it's a bit of a long story...

SUMMER 1993

I just finished 7th grade of Catholic School; Paul just graduated from the local public junior high.  Let's add two more characters: My sister, who just graduated from Catholic School and will begin freshman year at the local public high school, and my neighbor, who is also graduating from the local junior high with Paul amd will be going to the same high school as my sister.  They are my link to Paul.  My neighbor kindly invited her friends (Paul included) over to her house to introduce them to my sister.  I'm not sure if I met Paul that day, but I know I saw him.  He was amazing.  Blond hair with a little Beverly-Hills-90210-esque style with his bangs.  He was tan and oh-so mature.... you know... as a soon-to-be freshman. 

Paul claims we met on the bike path while he was out riding with one of his buddies, and I was out riding with my neighbor.  I claim we met at his buddy's baseball game.  I'm not sure, but we definitely met in the Summer of '93.  I instantly developed a HUGE crush on him.  He talked to me and included me while some of my sister's other friends did not.  We went to Six Flags Great America as a group... the sun was bright... I got a headache... he let me wear his baseball cap.  <Swoon> There was much talk of who liked who that summer.  Did you like him, or did you 'like like' him? Hands would touch accidentally, or maybe NOT accidentally? We played Kick-The-Can and Capture-The-Flag and volleyball in our neighbor's yard... all of which included strategicly picked teams.  We all went on bike rides; we went to the pool; we played more volleyball.  My heart was flipping during most of the summer. 

And then..... my family went on vacation during the end of the summer.   On the night before we left, Paul called into the local radio station and dedicated a song to me: UB40's "Can't Help Falling In Love."  One week later we returned and got together with the group.... but Paul wasn't around.  Apparently, he had started hanging out with a new girl and they were... dating.

OCTOBER 1994

After a year at separate schools, my crush faded a bit, but I often thought of that Paul Paul Meyer. I started my freshman year and happened to pass him a few times in the hall.  Again, he always said "hello" to me and didn't treat me like I was just Katie's Little Sister.  Homecoming was coming up and I was not planning on going with anyone special, probably just a group of girls from the Freshman volleyball team.  One night, my sister got a phone call from Paul and was talking to him in her room. Obviously, I was standing at her door listening to everything she said.  I heard her start talking about Homecoming.... oh my gosh, was he asking her to Homecoming?! That would be terrible. Traitorous. "Oh Paul, You HAVE to go!" "Well, I don't think Betsy has a date yet." NO WAY! "Yeah. You should go with her." HOLY HOMECOMING DATE! "Okay, I'll ask her. I'll call you back." 

A few days later, I was getting all dolled up in my Homecoming dress (a strapless dress that my mom sewed straps onto, of course; blue sequins on top, white bubble skirt on the bottom), fluffing my permed hair and making sure I didn't have any food caught in my braces.  My sister's group of friends were meeting at our house for pictures before we headed out to a pre-dance dinner.  Paul walked in with a bunch of guys looking as handsome as I'd ever seen him.  He was wearing a tie (with Mickey Mouse on it) and his barely-there goatee made him look so manly!  We took pictures as a group and as couples.    As we got into the car to head to dinner he looked at me and said, "You look beautiful."  I lost my breath for a moment, then recovered and said, "You do too... uh... I mean... not beautiful, but good. Handsome. You look great." Ugh.

I felt giddy and shaky and worried that my palms were too sweaty.

I made it through dinner without getting pasta on my dress and even solved the Wheel of Fortune puzzle (why was Wheel of Fortune on at a restaurant?!  I don't know) by guessing "Chicago Bears" with only the E on the screen.  Nice.  We headed back to the high school after dinner and I can still remember walking into the gymnasium that night.  I had never seen a gym decked out for a dance like that before.  It was the same place I had practiced volleyball for six weeks.  But that night it seemed truly magical to me... or maybe it was because Paul had grabbed my hand when we started to get jostled around in a big crowd of high school students dressed to the nines.  We danced, we talked, we laughed. Then we danced again to a BoyzIIMen song and he kissed me!  My first kiss ever.  Amazing and completely memorable.

After Homecoming night, we dated for four weeks.  When I say "dated" I mean we wrote notes back and forth a few times a day.  Met in the hallway after school and kissed a few times before we headed off to football and volleyball practices.  He couldn't drive yet, I couldn't drive yet.... I wasn't allowed to hang out with his older friends who could drive... clearly, it wasn't that great of a dating experience and we broke up pretty quickly.  But my heart still swooned.

FALL 1994 - SPRING 1997

Through my high school years, I continued to swoon over Paul Paul Meyer.  On occassion I thought maybe he liked me again.... then he definitely made it clear he did not 'like like' me.... for a few months, I made it clear that I did not even like him as a friend.  The years were filled with normal high school drama.  I wrote about him in my diary... I was smitten with him.  I was mad at him. I did not care about him.  I was friends with him.  By his senior and my junior year, we had finally developed a pretty good friendship.  I still swooned a tiny bit, but I knew it was better for me not to date him anymore.  However, I knew that I would know him for a long time.  In his Senior year yearbook, I wrote, "I'll see you in 30 years."  For whatever reason, I just knew that I would know Paul Meyer when he was a grown man and we would at least be friends.

SUMMER 1997 - SUMMER 1999

For the next two years, Paul and I kept in touch over email and an occassional phone call.  He had headed off to Annapois, MD, for the Naval Academy; I completed high school and headed down to University of Illinios, Chapaign-Urbana. When we were both home for the holidays or summer, we would go out to lunch and catch-up with each other. I had given up on my smitten-ness, and we had grown into good friends.  

FALL 1999 - FALL 2000

On a whim and during a moment of "I don't care if these seems completely illogical" I went to a Travel Agent's office (remember those?!) and bought a plane ticket to Baltimore for Labor Day Weekend.  I got back to my apartment, called Paul and said, "Guess what?!  I just bought a ticket to come out and see you."  My intention was that he would introduce me to some of the good-looking Naval Academy guys he knew.  Huh.  I flew out there, and he met me at the airport.... and all of sudden the smitten feelings came rushing back.  Oh my.  He had to take me to his sponsor's house and then get back on the Yard since Navy had a football game the next day.  We planned to meet-up after the 1st quarter.  I stood by the gate that we had previously agreed would be our meeting spot and I looked around at all the matchy-matchy guys in summer white uniforms with their black rain jackets and white covers.  Talk about Where's Waldo... except the 'Waldo' I was looking for wasn't wearing a stripey shirt and a stocking cap... he was wearing the same summer whites, black jacket, and white cover.  Eventually we found each other and Paul reached for my hand and we fell into step heading out for the tail-gater and his friends.  After the game, we walked around the Yard for a little while.  If you've never been to the Naval Academy, it is really quite fantastic (maybe not for the Mids who live there, but it is for a "girl friend" visiting for the first time).  The buildings are kind of stoic, the water is right there, and the sunset just happened to be beautiful.  We walked and talked and he gave me a tour of all the typical sites.  And then we sat on a bench and started talking about "us."  Remember, Homecoming 1994.... "I felt giddy and shaky and worried that my palms were too sweaty,"  that's exactly how I felt again. The weekend ended with Paul and I willing to see how a long-distance relationship might work for us.  We were pretty realistic that it might not be best for us... given our history... but it felt right and definitely worth a try. 

I came back out to Annapolis over Thanksgiving break and then Paul was home for Christmas break.  We had our ups and downs and normal challenegs for a long-distance relationship, but by the end of Christmas break, Paul had told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too.  From that point on, we spoke on the phone once a week and managed to see eachother every 6 weeks or so.  (I booked my flights out to see him during particularly busy flights and volunteered to get bumped, thus earning my next free ticket to Annapolis.) We spent a month together over the summer while Paul was on leave from the Academy and our relationship took a turn from serious to life-changing.  We knew we were heading toward an engagement... it was just a matter of time. Paul had a few opprotunities according to my calculations.... 1. Parent's Weekend at the Academy (I was coming out to visit too)in September, 2. His Sprint football game that I was coming out to see in October, 3. The Army/Navy game in December, and lastly, 4. Christmas. 

In late fall, after a lack of a proposal, Paul and I had asked our families to meet for breakfast on the Saturday after Thanksgiving.  We wanted our families to meet eachother before we committed to joining them together forever. Paul had mentioned that he wanted to ask my dad for permission to marry me so I helpfully told him my schedule over break, emphasizing the time when I would be out of the house and my dad would be home.  Paul insisted on hanging out with me at all those times so we split the Thanksgiving holiday between our houses, and I spent a late night at Paul's house on Thanksgiving.  Surprisingly, my parents didn't care I was out so late... they must have realized we were getting so serious. 

Saturday morning rolled around and I was a nervous wreck having my family and Paul's family meeting over breakfast.  I didn't know what to wear... when I picked out a sweater and dress pants, my sister asked, "is that what you're going to wear?  Don't you have anything cuter?"  Ahhhhhh.... I'm nervous enough... leave my outfit alone.  As my family got into our car to head to the restaurant, my mom casually brings the video camera with her.  My mom was crazy about video taping things and making our friends watch embarassing figure skating videos.  "Mom. You are NOT video taping this meal." My mom just shrugged and said, "Oh, Betsy, relax."  I looked at my sister for some back up and she just said, "You know mom.  Just let her bring the video camera."  Geesh... Katie was surely not helping me out.

We got to the restaurant and we all said polite hellos.  Paul looked like he was going to throw up.  All through the meal he barely ate his food and was soooo quiet.  There was only one thing going on here.... He wanted to break up... His family hated my family.... He is so going to dump me after we eat breakfast.  See look... he's backing up out of his chair... oh gosh.... he's going to say something...... "Well, it's been a long time coming," holy cow, he's going to dump me right here in front of my family! "but I'm glad that we are all here together." oh no, he's getting choked up... I'm going to hold his hand under the table and give him some support even though he's breaking up with me... wait...a...minute...... what is that in his hands???? that feels like a small suede box..... I'm not even listening to what he's saying.... he's pushing his chair back! and getting down. on. one. knee!!!!!!! "Betsy, will you marry me?!"

Apparently after our late night together on Thanksgiving, Paul work up early and met with my parents while I was still asleep in bed!!!!  What a little stinker.  I had no idea it was coming (since I thought he was breaking up with me) because I was waiting for him to ask my dad.  My mom got some of it on video and I am so mad I wore such a dumb looking sweater.  Turns out my sister ALWAYS has my back.

I obviously said "YES!" and we were married 13 months later on December 29th, 2001.

NOW

Today marks TEN years as a married couple. I am often amazed that I married Paul Paul Meyer.  I am thankful that we have shared so many memories together, not only as a couple, but as goofy high schoolers.  And I am thrilled that I need not worry about what Paul will think of me when I am wrinkly and gray.... he loved me when I had braces and a perm.

Happy Anniversary, Paul!

A Workout Update

Hey look at me... I am in ohio, visiting my sister and I have time to write! So it is about time to post some of my workout results. Weight loss: lameness. I have only lost two pounds. I am finally focusing on my diet and what I am putting into my body. I am confident that we will soon see some changes on at scale, because..... Inches Lost: TWENTY INCHES LOST!!!!! I have lost four full inches from my waist, and inch on each bicep, two inches on my hips, and an inch on each thigh, plus a few more here and there. It is awesome to see my body respond in a good way to all the hard work I am putting in at the gym. If you have been pregnant, you know the feeling of "holy cow....is that MY body?!" well, I have started thinking that thought again, but in a good way. I am by no means "skinny" or even near my goals, but the changes are happening and it feels good. Self-esteem: almost more importantly than anything else, I am most pleased with the increase in my self-esteem. I have completed fitness activities that I did not think I could do. I have made huge improvements on those activities and because of those successes I have found that I am much more confident in what I am capable of. I still give my trainer a dirty look when she tells me to run on the treadmill at the speed of 7 and an incline of 6.5... But I get on that treadmill and do it. I can lift more weight, hold a plank a full minute longer than when I started, and burpies aren't quite as horrible as before. It feels so good to feel stronger, and so good to be able to post that I AM STRONGER. Again, I am not claiming Superwoman status, but I am claiming to be on my way to SuperMe status.

WEEK TWO: Another spare moment

***I started this blog yesterday, but didn't have time to finish... it's now 24 hours later, and I'm hoping to get it completed***

Merry Christmas, everyone!  I am officially thrilled that this holiday went smoothly at our house but am equally thrilled that it's over.  Now I just need to get through an Anniversary, New Year's Eve, and Valentine's Day and all the obvious "Day To Spend With Your Husband" celebrations will be over.  One down, three to go.  I'm hoping this one will be the most difficult for the following reasons:

Anniversary (this will be second-most-difficult): On our tenth anniversary, I will be hanging out with my sister, brother-in-law, and brand-new niece.  I bet it will be sweet and cuddley and that will make me happy!

New Year's Eve: I have pretty much always hated New Year's Eve.  I always wanted a movie-like New Year's Eve and it has NEVER happened.  Once, in college, we went out to a bar that had a huge cover charge and was trying to be "fancy".... we were downstairs and heard the countdown start upstairs so we tried to run upstairs for the big moment, but missed it.... by the time we got upstairs we realized they were counting down downstairs and we managed to miss that one too.  (What establishment hosts a fancy New Year's Eve party and doesn't coordinate the countdown?!  Who manages to miss both?!)  My best New Year's Eve was '05-'06... Paul and I at a friend's house, playing cards, toasting to "a baby in the New Year" (for them, not us) and we both ended up with new babies by the next New Year's!  So.... I don't think this year's will be too difficult, except for the moment of the kiss... but I've been missing kisses for 2 weeks, so that's nothing new.

Valentine's Day:  I'm also not a big fan of this "holiday" but still, to have Valentine's Day without the hubster will make it a little less exciting.  However.... I will either be celebrating with my Spouse Club for our half-way party OR visiting besties in VA that weekend.  Either will be exceptional.

So... now that the presents are opened and Santa is resting, I too can rest in the fact that I made it through Christmas without my favorite guy.

Below... if I can get it to work.... is a link to a bit of a video from Week Two that will be heading out to the boat in a few days.  Hopefully a weekly video will help Paul from feeling out of the loop. (It's 10 minutes long... which is long when we aren't your family... and you can hear me sing "Happy Birthday" which isn't very in-tune... but it's really for Paul and he's okay with a long video of bad singing.)

Deployment Week Two

Week One: I found a spare minute

Week One is complete.  We have survived.  It's been extremely busy, but we have managed.

The kids waiting for Santa on the firetruck.

We spent Tuesday evening with friends on base and enjoyed seeing Santa touring the neghborhood in a firetruck.  I mean really... Santa AND a firetruck?!  That's pretty much the best thing ever for my kids! The evening was a huge success in distracting us from Paul's ovbvious absense.


Wednesday was a busy day of Christmas singing at the kids' pre-school classes.  They had a great time and were excited by a surprise visit from Santa (again) after the singing was sung. Wednesday afternoon added a little more excitement with their last gymnastics class before the holiday break.  Matthew mastered some flips on the rings and he was thrilled with that.

Grace's class
(She's in the white dress - on the left)

Thursday we had a special playdate with Grace's favorite friend from school.  Apparently the playdate was just too much fun and it wore out all their good behavior.  Thursday night was a challenge with over-tired kids riding high on emotions, probably from saying good-bye to Dad and seeing Santa two days in a row. The worst of the week came on Thursday evening.... Grace had been complaining that her tummy ached for a little while.  She finally came up to me and said, "It's not my tummy Mom... it's my heart.  I miss daddy!" OH, GOODNESS ME.  How could she come up with that?!  Broke my heart.  I offered her a hug and as soon as she was cuddle up in my arms she completely burst into tears.  "I miss him because I love him." Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Matthew came over and rubbed her back with me.  I cried a little too.  Fearing that we would all be puddles of tears and runny noses if I didn't do something quickly, I mentioned to them that when Daddy comes home we will meet him when he lands his plane (either one he is flying or one he is flying in with the rest of the squadron) and we get to run out to him and give him the biggest bestest hug we have ever given him.  Two sweet little faces looked up at me with big bright eyes.  Matthew was smiling the biggest smile and Grace (a little worrier) asked, "What if we aren't at the airport when he lands his plane?"  I couldn't help but laugh and promised her we would SO be there.

Friday was a decent day and ended with a fun Pity Party with the other Spouse Club wives.  My scheduled sitter was unable to come over as planned after her son had to go to the doctor and was diagnosed with croup (Booooo)... so about 4 hours before the party started, I was looking for a sitter.  Talk about Navy wives stepping up and offering babysitter numbers of even offering to babysit themselves.  THANK YOU!  I had a good time visiting with the other wives and even starting to plan our Halfway Party.  You know it's a "short" deployment when you start talking about the Halfway Party at the Pity Party.

Standing like flamingos.

I was incredibly not looking forward to the first weekend without Paul.  The weekdays are one thing; Paul's usually at work all day long; often has night flights.  It's not entirely odd for us to go a few days without him home except for sleeping.  But the weekends are another story entirely.  That is our family time.  That is my alone time.  That is my catch-up on chores, errands, running around time.  No such luck without Paul Meyer.  So I decided we were going to start the weekend off right... we headed over to Eggs N Things for breakfast (the kids devoured their breakfast which is an added bonus).  Then I took them up to the Santa Barbara Zoo.  I had heard so many good things about the zoo, particularly that it is a great one for small kids and it is!  We had a great time.  Membership purchased!  By the time we came home it was naptime for Sam, followed by a little playtime and dinner, etc.

Sam trying to climb the sledding hill.

Today was church and I was so entirely greatful.  The kids enjoy time spent in the nursery/preschool class, and I get to spend sometime getting my mind focused on what/who it needs to be focused on.  I am blessed with an awesome church that has shown great support to Paul and I in the past few weeks, as well as great friendship in general no matter a looming deployment or not.  We came home, Sam napped, the big kids and I worked hard on cleaning up and folding laundry so we could play outside after Sam woke up.  Their behavior was awesome, so we headed out in the trusty Odyssey to see some Christmas lights.  It was a great end of Week One.

My house is a mess right now.  There is stuff - laundry piles, throw pillows, shoes, dolls - everywhere.  But I just can't do it all and I'm going to let it go tonight.  I got to write and that feels good. I will clean it up tomorrow and late tomorrow night by dad will be here!  Hooray for Big Al's visit!  Weeks Two-Five are going to be soooo fun.

P.S.  Come back tomorrow for an update on my workout results!

WEEK ONE: a quick review

THIS IS WAAAAAAAAY BUSIER THAN I ANTICIPATED!!!!!!!  Thought about blogging every single night... never got to it.  More later. Maybe.

Let the countdown begin!

(An old photo of USS Abe Lincoln)
See the funny propellor on the left side of the bridge? That's the E2-C

This morning at 7am we said our 'good byes' to Paul.  The morning was hands-down the most difficult morning I have ever had.  It is one thing for a husband and wife to say good bye and it is an entirely different thing for a dad and kids to say good bye.  The emotions for Paul and I were definitely running high; there was sadness and there was overwhelming love.  The kids handled it well since they didn't really understand what our good byes were for.  Matthew and Grace knew Mommy and Daddy were feeling sad, but Matthew just tried to be goofy (the people pleaser) and Grace was just quiet (the non-emotional one).  Sam just played football.  I'm sure in the next few weeks, particularly after Christmas, they will realize that Paul isn't home yet and perhaps that is when they will begin to understand what "deployment" means.

While we got ready for school, I vascilated between weepy and okay.  Grace's teacher gave me a hug and I turned to a pile of mush.  I got to the gym and forced myself to run a mile and started to feel a lot better.  Luckily today was a training day with Steph and she had planned a heavy workout.  For one hour I focused on making my body do what Steph told me I had to do.  There is such relief in spending time with my brain turned off and pushing my little muscles to do more than they want to do.  By the end of the hour, I felt pretty wiped out with not much more energy to give to weepiness.  But then, I talked to my mom, and then there were a few more tears.  Eventually, the kids were home from school, lunch had been eaten, Sam was down for a nap, and I could take a nice long shower.  I took a short nap  and woke up feeling like a million bucks.

Monday nights are Small Group nights, so fortunately I had a babysitter lined up and was able to take a few hours with some wonderful friends from church.  When you can't be with your hubby, it is pretty darn good to be with good friends.  We even blew off doing the Bible study and played board games!  When you can't be with your hubby, it is really darn good to be with good friends and board games! I tucked the kids into bed when I came home, emailed a "good night" to Paul (who did indeed make it safely onboard earlier today) and now have an hour or so to relax. Not a bad ending to a not-so-happy day.

I am feeling relatively confident in our family's ability to make it through this deployment with a minimal amount of tears and stress and frustration.  (Knock on wood.) Paul and I have done quite a bit of prep work in getting ourselves "set up for success" and our expectations managed.

Our Deployment Survival Kit:
X Arm pillow for Betsy (picture will be posted on Friday)
X Build-a-Bears with Daddy's voice message for each kiddo (thanks for the idea, Ash!)
X A t-shirt of Paul's for each kid to snuggle with at night
X Jar o'Kisses from Daddy for each kid each night
X Pictures of all of each of us with Paul (for us and for him)
X Digital photo frame loaded with photos for Paul
X Envelopes/paper and color-coded stickers so the kids will see the sticker and know it's a card from Daddy for them.
X Lots of videos of Daddy reading nighttime books to the kids
X New camera for Mommy to take video of kids for Daddy (Merry Christmas, me!)

Deployment Expectations:
We will email every day assuming the email is up and running on the ship.
We will Skype when Paul is in port.
We will get a handwritten note from Paul (hopefully once a month - Paul, are you reading this?!) hee hee.
We will send mail to Paul every week... hopefully the aircraft carrier made a weight allowance for lots of finger-paintings and such from the Meyer kids.

....only 142 days left!

A little juxtaposition.....

(Tonight's is a deployment post, tomorrow's will be also - I'm sure, then we'll get back to normal life.)

jux·ta·po·si·tion

   [juhk-stuh-puh-zish-uhn]  Show IPA

noun

1.

an act or instance of placing close together or side by side,especially for comparison or contrast.

2.

the state of being close together or side by side.

My husband leaves, signaling the beginning of the end of his deployment.

My husband leaves, signaling the beginning of the end of my friend's husband's deployment.

Butterflies in my stomach thinking about him leaving. 

Butterfies in my stomach thinking about him coming home.

Not wanting to fall asleep on the night before deployment.

Not being able to fall asleep on the night before homecoming.

The clock ticking by too quickly during our last hours together.

The clock ticking by much too slowly during the last hours apart.

Wondering how I'm going to make it through the months without him.

Wondering how I DID make it through the months without him. 

***The randomness of the writing will be off-set by random pictures taken in the past few weeks while we've been savoring some Daddy Time***
Generally when I sit down to write, I think I have something to say or a point to make.  Tonight I am sitting down to get my emotions out so I can hopefully lessen the queasy feeling in my stomach.

Sam's expression sums up how I feel.
(He was fearing Santa in this photo)

Paul leaves for deployment on Monday morning.  It is Saturday night. We have all day tomorrow, tomorrow night, and then "good byes" the next morning.  He is currently upstairs with the three kids doing bath/books/bed time; I've passed this job on to him for the last week or so saying A.) he needs to get as many chances to tuck them into bed as he can, and B.) I desperately want a break before I am on full-time.  So while he is juggling two in the bathtub and one in the shower, I'm going to take a moment and try to get my head on straight.  



First and foremost, I need to write a disclaimer.... We are facing a 4 1/2 monther.  In Navy standards that is short, short, short.  I have several friends who have completed or are currently completing year-long IA deployments, a friend whose husband was on the ground in Afghanistan and participated in gun fights that were acknowledged on CNN. I have friends who had babies while their husbands were gone (one will be doing so during this cruise), a friend who solo-parented twins and kept down a full-time job, etc., etc., etc.  This deployment is not a WORST.  I do not think I'll be dealing with the WORST.  But, it is 4 1/2 months without my husband, and so..... I will write about it.

Matthew is Paul's biggest fan.

Today was kind of a weird day.  I didn't really know what I wanted to do..... should I hang out with my husband like I'm glued to his hip since I won't get to do that for awhile?  Should I hang out by myself all alone with no kids talking to me non-stop, since I won't get to do that for awhile?  Should I insist we get stuff done around the house since I have someone who can help me and I won't have that for awhile?  Should we go on a date?  Should we hang out as a family? Can I just sit here and stare into space?  Well, I guess thinking back on the day we did just about all of that... although, the "date" was the two of us on the couch watching Navy BEAT ARMY(!) while Sam napped, and Grace and Matthew miraculously played together really nicely for an hour or so.  (They were playing with Christmas ornaments off the tree which is not allowed, but who can blame us for letting that go when a 5 & almost-4-year-old are playing nicely together?! In the other room?!)

Getting in the Christmas spirit and
decorating the tree.

I kept asking Paul what he wanted to do, anything special? wanna eat something in particular? go somwhere? He just said, "Uh, nah." Hmmmmmm.  That is my non-dramatic husband for ya!  I would certainly make everything a big huge hairy deal if I were heading off to a metally, gray, cold aircraft carrier for four months.  But that's just me.  The good thing is that when he comes home and I try to make everything into a big, huge, hairy, perfect deal for his homecoming he won't be disappointed if anything isn't quite right.  He's my calm Mr. Steady. And oh, am I going to miss him!

The thing is, during the build-up to deployment I was worried about how I would wrangle three youngish kids on my own.  I know it won't be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I do know I can do it.  The thing that gives me that pit in my stomach is knowing that I won't get to share the moments with Paul.  I love love love him. (Which is really good, because we are married married married.)  We have had a bumpy patch or two in the past few years, nothing big, just normal-two-people-married-living-in-the-same-space-trying-to-raise-three-kids-yet-maintain-some-sort-of-individuality-yet-being-married thing. But we have sorted that out and I feel like the last few months have been so fabulous.  We've been on the same page, on the same team.  I just don't want him to go.  C'mon, really?! Do you HAVE to get on that boat????  I guess it's better than him getting court marshalled for going AWOL.  Which would probably lead to him getting kicked out of the Navy, which would definitely mean we would get kicked out of military housing, which would probably mean we would move somewhere else, and if you ask me pretty much NOWHERE is as pretty as here.  I would have to go get a job, the kids would have to go to daycare.... yeah, he should just go on deployment.

Feeling sleepy after dad came home
from work on Friday.

And speaking of "you should go on deployment" I can't really say this is a surprise..... You joined the Navy, go on a boat! Surprise!  We (yes, I mean "we," as in Paul and I) did make the choice for him to apply to become a department head which we knew would mean a deployment or two.  So, there really is nothing to complain about.... other that my husband not being home, not giving me hugs and kisses, not watching the kids learn new things, not spend time with our friends, not open Christmas gifts, not celebrate our anniversary with me, not take me on a date of Valentine's day, not drink green beer on St. Patrick's day, not help with the mess of dying Easter eggs with three kids.  Really.  It's fine.  NO IT'S NOT!

Whew. It's like a tennis match in my head.

Okay, but seriously, if this lifestyle is really so tough then why do I do it?  I've seen this answered many times, especially recently, on different articles and blogs.  But it all comes down to the fact that I wouldn't do this for anyone except Paul.  I love him more than dearly.... he is my very very best friend, and has been for a long long time.  The love I have for him when he is home, is a million times stronger than the loneliness when he is away.

Two Lucky Babies and Two Amazing Moms

Back to blogging.  It's been a few weeks since my last post.  I didn't really know what was worth writing about after my last post, and then life got busy and I just didn't find the time to write.  I'm back now.

I've been thinking a lot about MOMMIES lately.  Two short days ago, my sister had her first child, a darling darling little girl.  Two short weeks ago, my closest friend had her third child and asked my husband and I to be Godparents to their sweet baby boy.  What a joy to welcome these two precious babies into the world!  Unfortunately, I'm only able to "welcome" the two new bundles with flowers via FTD, phone calls, and texts.  My heart is sad that I cannot be there in person, but I know that my friend and sister know I would be there if I could.  We are family.

My sister and I have had a close relationship for as long as I can remember.  Sure, we had our fights and arguments; she drove me  up the wall a few times (of course, I'm sure I never drove her up the wall).  But we have never really had a rocky patch of any significance.  K and I are only 19 months apart; she being the older, yet shorter, sister.  For my entire life, I have had a best friend.  What a comfort to have her next to me on the school bus in grade school, across the ice during kicklines in ice shows, behind home plate while standing on the pitcher's mound, somewhere in the building during the drama of high school.  She's always had my back, including yelling at an ex-boyfriend of mine... who later became my husband! She was my maid of honor and the first extended-family member to meet my first baby.  She is everything a big sister is supposed be.  They say you can choose your friends but not your family.... I'm sure I would have chosen her anyway.

My friend, M, and I are not family by blood or marriage.  We are family by Navy.  Our history doesn't go way way back, but starts in 2005.  At the time we met, P was finishing up his first deployment and M's husband had joined our squadron.  We chatted it up the first time we met and I remember thinking, "she seems cool." (It was "buddy at first sight.") Over the next few months, we hung out with each other often and bonded over Spouse Club meetings/silliness/drama/wine. Our friendship grew even closer when we ended up pregnant just one month apart from eachother and our husbands left on deployment when I was about 8 weeks along and M was... well, she found out the morning the guys left.  Anyone lucky enough to have a best friend by their side and go through a pregnancy and a deployment at the same time and live about 5 blocks away from each other... wait, has anyone else experienced this?!... knows that God could not have blessed us more.  We both lost our highly-functioning brains at the same time and enjoyed those incredibley dumb moments together.  We missed our husbands together and planned theme parties to distract us.  We may not really be "family," but in the military-spouse world the difference between family and friend tends to blur.  She too is everything a sister should be.

So, my niece and godson were born just two weeks apart.  They both get to be surrounded by the love of an amazing woman.  They will grow up with a Momma who is strong, intelligent, opinionated, funny, loving, kind, caring, amazing.  I know those babies are going to grow up to be strong, intelligent, opinionated, funny, loving, kind, caring, amazing people.  I look forward to watching these tiny (and not-so-tiny-but-very-very-handsome) babies grow up and learn from my sister and "sister."  I wonder what the relationship between the children and moms will look like; I am confident they will be awe-inspiring.  I'm sure there will be trying times, but knowing the K & M like I do, I know they will sail through those storms with wisdom and genuine selflessness.  Motherhood is a challenge like no other, but there is no doubt my two best friends are going to succeed.  I am blessed to know these two incredible women.

Why Black Friday Shopping Works for Me

It is nearly impossible for me to get myself out of bed before 6am, except on Black Friday.  I pop right out of bed while its dark - not even close to the sun coming up - get dressed, grab a cup of coffee, and am pulling out of the driveway within twenty minutes.  I have done the Black Friday shopping thing for the last three years and anticipate doing it for several more.

I'm not a crazy shopper and have never gotten to the stores early enough to stand in line waiting for the doors to open.  I'm not dedicated to one type of product enough to snatch it out of another person's cart.  I'm definitely not competitive enough to ever use pepper spray on my fellow shoppers.  Those are all just wrong.... literally not-right.  I do not understand why anyone would do those things.  Seems like a terrible way to start the Christmas season, if you ask me!  I will always spend my Thanksgiving day in the comfort of my home, eating delicious food with the people I love, NOT in a tent outside of Target.  I will always remember two rules in our household while I'm shopping: "No snatching." and "You get what you get, and you don't have a fit." And really, I have nothing to say about not using pepper spray since that just seems like common sense. 

So off I go into the "craze" of Black Friday, equiped with my coffee and a list.  This year was a piece of cake as it seems most people went out late on Thanksgiving and by 6am on Black Friday it was pretty calm.  It was actually more calm than any other day.  I went to Toys R Us first, since I had to pick up a toy that I had bought online (wait til you see what it is... on Christmas morning, I'll post a picture) and the parking lot was hardly full at all.  I got a few little goodies for the kids.  I put back several things I had initially picked up after thinking to myself "do I want to be picking this up day after day?" 

After Toys R Us, I headed to HomeGoods since I had a gift card to use there.  Obviously this is not a big "toy" spot, so it too was pretty empty.  I, however, got a good deal on some toys for the extended family kids and a bonus is that they are more unique than the toys at the big box stores.  I also picked up a few holiday decor items, much to my husband's chagrin.  Do we need more holiday towels?! Yes we do!  Plus, it was all paid for by a gift card, so it was kind of "free." Next, I stopped at Best Buy, but that wasn't really for Christmas shopping, I just needed a memory card for my camera. Then it was off to the outlet stores and the beginning of the craziness.  Talk about a busy parking lot and people all over the place. I was able to get some really great deals on a few outfits for the kids and high tailed it out of there.  

Anyway, so what's the point of shopping at the break of dawn on Black Friday?  For me, the best part is that I'm all done Christmas shopping.  I got a few good deals, and that's a bonus, but most importantly I get to spend the next three weekends spending time with my family, decorating the house, visiting Santa, making cookies, talking about the real reason for Christmas with the kids.  To me, that makes the whole Black Friday shopping ideal. The commercialized part was finished almost before it began; I got what I needed to get and I didn't have a fit.  And now I get to spend the rest of the Christmas season with those that I love the most and focusing on the many blessings we have in our lives. 

My thoughts on the "Penn State Scandal"

So I'm sitting here not sure about how to write this one.

The child sex abuse scandal at Penn State is absolutely atrocious.  I know there are many many people that are justifiably irrate about what happened, how long it happened, how many people knew it had happened and did nothing, etc.  There is nothing 'okay' about the situation and just writing about it makes my palms sweaty, my throat tighten, and my stomach ache. And I have to write about it.

The thing is, I was sexually abused when I was a small child.  The abuse happened over approximately 4 years, starting at an age when I shouldn't even be able to recall memories, but I do.  My experience was pretty standard;  there was a family 'friend' who was trusted, not only by my parents but by the entire community and in the end, he should not have been trusted at all.

All I can think about right now when I see stuff about victims is that we MUST learn something from this.  We can't just sit around and talk about how mad we are that this could happen or write on Facebook about who should/shouldn't get fired.  We have to somehow use this situation to put us in a better position to not allow this to happen again. Ever. I am no expert, but I have survived abuse... so here are my thoughts:


IF YOU SEE SOMETHING HAPPENING BETWEEN AN ADULT AND A CHILD THAT LEAVES YOU FEELING SUSPICIOUS, UNCOMFORTABLE, CREEPY, ETC.,  SAY SOMETHING... TO THE ADULT. IMMEDIATELY.  
Behavior  between an adult and a child that appears inapporpriate, most likely IS inappropriate.  I would bet in most cases, the child knows it is inappropriate too.  And the child probably wants it to stop, but doesn't know how to make it stop.  You do.  So do it. Put yourself out there, speak up, and stay with the child until the situation is resolved.

I know it might be intimidating to approach the situation, particularly if you are alone and witnessing the behavior.  However, the situation is no more intimidating for you than it is for the child.

If you are concerned that the behavior is not what it appears to be and you are worried about insulting the adult, ask yourself the following:
     * Is there EVER a reason for an adult and child to be alone in a questionable situation?
     * Would you want your child in this situation?
     * Which is worse, insulting the feelings of an adult or scarring a child for life?

Now, I'm not saying everyone should be going around pointing fingers at others and making allegations of molestation.  Obviously, use your head and your good judgement.  Approach the situation carefully and tactfully. But NEVER EVER put the adult's career, wealth, or community standing above the rights of that child.

IF YOU WITNESS CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE AND DO NOTHING ABOUT IT, YOU WILL BE 100% GUILTY OF INFLICTING LIFE-LONG INJURIES ON THAT CHILD.
I can say from experience, that young kids know that any sort of abuse is "wrong." It is not supposed to happen.  For a young child, the only way to make sense of the situation is to internalize it and assume it is happening because of something they did.  Obviously, that line of thinking is so completely wrong, but it is just what happens in the mind of the child.  I grew up with unclear memories of my abuse.   However, as long as I can remember I felt there was something "dirty" or "wrong" about me.  I hated myself (I remember writing, "I HATE ME" on a ruler in 3rd grade) but knew I wasn't supposed to feel that way, so I then hated myself more for feeling that way... and so goes the cycle of just another thing wrong with me.    IF you do nothing to stop a sex offender from hurting a child you are essentially telling that child, "Yep.  You are not worth it to me to step out of my comfort zone and say something."  YOU will be doing the damage too.

FOLLOW-UP WITH THE AUTHORITIES AND PUT IT ALL IN WRITING!
I read the Grand Jury Report from the Sandusky case last night.  Soooooo many people "can't remember," "don't recall," are "unsure" about what was said exactly and when.  That is crap. Completely stinky crap. If you find yourself in the terrible position of witnessing a child being abused, I'm sorry, but you need to take responsibility.  Make a report in writing, keep a copy for your records, and follow-up with the authorities on what is happening.  If they aren't giving you information, follow-up with someone else.  Write down who you spoke with and when.

TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE, TALK TO THEM EARLY AND OFTEN, TALK TO THEM CALMLY.
My parents spoke to us about abuse.  I do NOT blame my parents one tiny bit for what happened to me.  They were diligent, loving, very involved in our lives.  No one could blame them.  So I do not write this as "I wish my parents had done this differently" but as "This is something I have learned from my experience."
    * Do not say "Sexual abuse is 'bad' or 'wrong'." When I was abused, I knew it was bad.  When my parents told me it was bad, I thought that I had done the "bad" thing.   I prefer to say something along the lines of "If someone touches you in your private areas, you need to tell mommy because it's mommy's job to keep you safe."
    * To some extent, allow tattling. I know it gets really obnoxious when you spend all day listening to, "Johnnie is eating Suzy's cookie," "Bobby just threw his toy," "Mo-om, Tommy won't share with me." But you also need your child to know that (s)he can ALWAYS come tell you when someone is doing something they are not supposed to.  They need to know they have a safe place to tattle when tattling needs to be done.  In our house, we try to establish a "thank you for telling me, is anyone getting hurt? if not, please try to work this out on your own" response.
    * Remind your children as much as you can that there is NOTHING they could ever do to make you stop loving them.  There is NOTHING that could ever happen that would make you leave them on purpose.  No matter what happens, you are ALWAYS their mommy/daddy and NOTHING could ever change that.  I was told I would be sent away if I told my parents.  I believed it.  My parents were incredibley loving and reassuring, so I'm not sure what else they could have done. I just keep telling my kids that they are always safe in our family, that we will always love them even if someone says we don't, in the hopes that it will be so engrained in their little hearts that no one could ever make them doubt.
    * I know it is a very scary thing to talk to your kids about, but I believe if you do it calmly and repeatedly, your kids will not have to grow up being afraid but AWARE of the dangers in the world.


AS A SOCIETY, WE NEED TO GIVE KIDS/TEENS A WAY TO DISCUSS SEXUAL ABUSE IN A SAFE SETTING.
Schools and other child/teen organizations need to realize that child sexual abuse is happening and those children desperately need a place to go to report the abuse. The children need to know they will be taken seriously and their reports will be pursued.  If it could become common knowledge that a child in an abusive situation had a variety of outlets to report the crime, maybe just maybe that would hinder the offender.

This has been a difficult topic for me to write about.  I wasn't sure how much I wanted to share, or if I should share at all.  I have decided to limit the details of my particular experience; it is a part of my life that I am not ashamed of or want to deny, however I am not ready to put those details out into the great unknown of the internet.  


I do ask that if you have conversations about the Penn State scandal with your friends or co-workers
... please remember that the BIG DEAL of all this is not a college football team's coaching staff. The BIG DEAL is that there are many many victims and there will continue to be victims if we don't get honest about what is going on and have the courage to take steps to make it stop.

Making Some Progress

So I had two back-to-back personal training sessions.  Today I can barely type.  Everything hurts.

During my session yesterday I came to the realization that I was having a bit of trouble making it through the workouts without getting down on myself.  I thought, "Man, I'm just so tired of sucking at all this." I talked to my trainer about it and told her how frustrating it was to feel so weak day after day.  I acknowledge that I'm only 9 sessions in... but that's 9 hours of feeling like a wimp.  Steph confidently told me I had been improving and she could see it.  She also pointed out that I'm not paying her to make easy work outs for me. True, true.  When we finished up the workout, she told me she would go back and look up what I did during my first workout with her and we would do it again. She guaranteed me it would be easy.

So when I met with her today (after running a mile on the treadmill - which I hadn't been able to do without A LOT of complaining and contemplating quitting just a few weeks ago) Steph told me we were going to do bits and pieces of my first two work outs... with a little tweaking to make sure I would still get a good workout today.

First up were planks with jumping jacks (plank position on hands and toes, then jump legs apart and together).   First session I had to do 10... and I barely made it through.  Today, I did 30. I was panting a bit, but I did them without stopping.  Yes! The second set of these today I had to add "up downs" where I go from being on two hands, down to my elbows, and back up again, in between each jack.

Second, sitting on the mat I leaned back about halfway (probably less than that at the end), knees bent, feet off the ground.  She tossed a medicine ball at me, I caught it, tapped it on the ground to the right then the left, and then tossed it back to her.  Three weeks ago I couldn't hold my feet up and we did 10 with a lighter ball; today I managed to keep my feet up and we used a heavier ball.  I admit I had to take a break or two though.

The session went on and on, the exercises became more and more difficult and less and less like my first session, but I got the point,  I've made some strides; gained some strength and endurance. Most importantly, I have had a mental shift from "there's NO WAY I can finish this and I don't want to try," to "I'll give it a go, not sure I'll make it through all the reps without stopping, but I can push through it."

It's nice to know these sessions are working. I'm getting stronger and learning an important lesson about what I am capable of doing.  Meanwhile, I can hardly move!

***I just took a photo of my sneakers since they are my training partners and are "with me every step of the way," but my camera battery died while trying to upload it.***